i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
