if only i could text you this smell
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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