me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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