Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
