Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
