he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
