I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
