I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
