Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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