if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
