I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
