babies were throwing up all over the place
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
