Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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