This dress was meant to end up on your floor
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There r osticjed everywhere
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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