made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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