I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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