I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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