census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
its liver damage thursday
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
