Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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