Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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