Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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