I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
