I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize