I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
