Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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