Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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