There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
