oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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