the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
