God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
