Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm always down for nudity.
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