So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
