I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
