oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
