This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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