bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
