your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
