worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
