I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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