just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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