can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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