mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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