I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
