My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
