i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
