You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just googled if crying burns calories
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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