this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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