oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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