Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
