just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
