sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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