don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
